The Nationals Report

Ladies and Gentlemen, Bloggers, Analyists, and Steve Phillips, I'm here today to tell you the State of the Nation(als) is strong! (Waits for applause)

Stan Kasten and I have worked together in a bipartisan fashion to make the moves that will make this group stronger, and help it compete in the new, globalized world of the National League East.

Just because we are better off than we were one year ago, doesn't mean we can relax. There is an Axis of Evil in our midst, and we cannot allow their acts to go unanswered. Omar Minaya, who I believe is from Azerbaijan or something, is a threat to our Nation(al) security, and he must be stopped. I received word from an intelligence report that Minaya has an evil plan to sign every hispanic player in the league, making a super-immigrant team that cannot be felled. We cannot allow that to happen. Well, he can have Felipe Lopez, but hands off our Jesus.

That brings us to another point. A lot of the "Media" has given this administration guff about signing players with troubled pasts. A lot of you know that I have a history of giving people second chances, and I believe very strongly in that. This team is about forgiveness, understanding, and togetherness. Oh yeah, and winning. But for all the naysayers that claim that Mr. Milledge and Mr. Dukes are a danger to the clubhouse, and to society at large, I offer you this solution. We have Jesus on our team. Well, we actually have two Jesus'. Jesuses? Jesui? Anyway, we've got the J men to help these kids find the path. Barring that, we've got Da Meat Hook, who will simply eat any one or thing that hurts the team (or gets in his way to the Pre-Game spread).

We aren't done making this team better. We are linked with Livan Hernandez, Bartolo Colon, and other fat guys whose names I can't remember at this moment. This brings us to the most important aspect of this State of the Nation(als). My "Roadmap for Victory in the NL East Mission Accomplished America" plan. Please pay attention and take notes, as there will be a quiz at the end.

1. To finish first in any category at the end of the season. Now, the Liberal media will tell you that the only categories that count in this business are Wins, Losses, Home Runs, etc. I don't think that's the truth. We could lead the league in weight. We could lead the league in felonies. We could lead the league in outfielders. There are opportunities out there, and my job is to explore those.

2. To get ejected more often. With Robert Fick gone, and Dmitri's diabetes-rage under control, we've got to lean on the new guys and Manny to get the job done. Everyone knows that ejections get shown on Sportscenter. We've gotta compete with the Yankees and Red Sox in media coverage, and this is one way to get this accomplished.

3. To spread Nationalocracy all over the world. We've been talking to some Japanese relievers at the Winter Meetings, and Stan is very keen to sign some players from Asia to expand our fan base. But I say, Asia is just the beginning. That's why, I will ask Major League Baseball to authorize funding for a Spring Caravan to Mars. It's one thing to be a global brand, but it's entirely different to be a Universal brand. Take that, Red Sox.

4. This last initiative is already underway and showing signs of success. Bob Boone and the Nation(als) Intelligence Agency have come up with an important discovery that could move the Nationals into first place, forever. The NIA has come up with a brainwashing device that makes teams act like the Kansas City Royals (spending no money, and trading away any and all talent). The early success story is obviously the Florida Marlins, trading away Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. There are, unfortunately, side effects and unintended consequences. As you may have noticed, the device's emission have floated into Kansas City, and have turned the Royals Front Office into the New York Yankees Front Office. We are sorry for this mistake, and we have crews working around the clock trying to fix this problem. Stan Kasten wanted me to say that he's sorry to Andruw Jones. He'd never be headed to KC if we hadn't used this device. But this device is good for the Nation(als), and its good for America.

In closing, I want to thank you, citizens of the Nation(als). You have shown your support by watching this team, when we had Jason Simontacchi pitching, and D'Angelo Jiminez batting. You've shown commitment, and an unwillingness to Cut and Run, even when Ryan Langerhans is hitting. We will reward that commitment by cutting payroll, and trading your fan favorites. Granted, these trades may have made us better, but I can assure you, that was not our intention.

Good night, and God Bless America.